Eggs, Beans and Crumpets is a collection of short stories by P. G. Wodehouse, first published in the United Kingdom on April 26, 1940, by Herbert Jenkins, London, then with a slightly different content in the United States on May 10, 1940, by Doubleday, Doran, New York.McIlvaine (1990), pp. 77–78, A62.
Most of the stories feature regular characters: Drones Club member Bingo Little, Mr Mulliner, Ukridge and, in the US edition, Freddie Widgeon and the Oldest Member.
The US edition of the book also included "Ukridge and the Home from Home", "The Come-back of Battling Billson", and "The Level Business Head" (three more Ukridge stories), which in the UK had already been included in Lord Emsworth and Others (1937). It also included three more Drones Club stories: "Trouble Down at Tudsleigh", which was in the UK version of Young Men in Spats (1936), "Bramley Is So Bracing", which would appear to UK readers in Nothing Serious (1950), and "Scratch Man", which would not appear in the UK until A Few Quick Ones (1959). Missing from the US edition were "Romance at Droitgate Spa" and "All's Well with Bingo", which had been included in The Crime Wave at Blandings (1937).
Contents "All's Well with Bingo" US: Saturday Evening Post, January 30, 1937 UK: Strand, April 1937
Plot
At the Drones Club, an Egg (a nondescript member of the club) complains to a Crumpet and a Bean about Bingo Little singing with joy. The Crumpet tells the following story, explaining that Bingo is happy because he narrowly escaped getting into trouble with his wife Rosie.
Rosie asks Bingo to go to Monte Carlo to take notes she can use in her next novel. Bingo wants to gamble there, but Rosie, the household breadwinner, does not want him to gamble. Instead of giving him money, she has his travel bills sent to her so he is not tempted. Disappointed, Bingo goes to Monte Carlo, and discovers that the wealthy Drone Oofy Prosser is nearby. He gives Oofy lunch, and Oofy is grateful, though he refuses to lend Bingo money. Instead, he gives Bingo a tip to bet on the horse Spotted Dog. Bingo bets ten pounds on credit. The horse loses, and Bingo now owes ten pounds to a bookmaker who threatens that a nasty accident will befall Bingo if he does not pay.
Rosie's friend Dora Spurgeon returns Rosie's brooch, a birthday gift from Bingo that Dora had borrowed, to Bingo. He pawns it for five pounds and bets it, intending to use his supposedly unbeatable system (doubling his bet when he wins), yet he loses repeatedly. Playing roulette, he puts his last one hundred francs on Black. Up comes Zero, and his money is swept away by the croupier. Dejected, Bingo is suddenly greeted by Rosie, who was able to come because her luncheon was postponed. She expects to get her brooch back soon, which worries Bingo.
Bingo notices a pile of chips on Black worth no less than three thousand, two hundred francs, or about forty pounds. He had forgotten that when Zero comes up, even-odds bets are put "in prison", or kept on to await the result of the next spin. Distracted by Rosie, he had not taken out his winnings after Black turned up, so it all stayed on Black. Black came up seven more times. Bingo cannot take out his winnings, or else Rosie will see he has been gambling. He tries to make a face at the croupier to signal that he wants his money pushed aside, but the croupier misinterprets him and lets it all ride (meaning Bingo's money will continue to be bet double-or-nothing on Black).
Though Bingo is nervous, Black keeps coming up. Some of his winnings are finally pushed aside when his stake reaches the limit for even-odds bets. Rosie leaves at last, and Bingo happily claims forty-eight thousand francs. He buys back Rosie's brooch and goes to her. Rosie confesses that she was tempted to gamble and lost two hundred pounds in ten minutes. She is concerned this will upset Bingo. Bingo assures her that he understands, though he claims not to experience such impulses himself.
"Bingo and the Peke Crisis" US: Saturday Evening Post, May 29, 1937 UK: Strand, June 1937
Plot At the Drones Club, a Bean is upset that Bingo Little tried to give him a Peke which bit the Bean in the leg. A Crumpet tells the Bean that Bingo is more to be pitied than censured, and recounts the following story.
Bingo's wife Rosie, the household breadwinner, disapproves of Bingo's gambling habit and keeps him on a tight budget. Bingo wants to bet on a horse but has no capital. Rosie has asked Mr. Purkiss, the proprietor of a children's magazine called Wee Tots, to consider hiring Bingo as editor. Pleased at the prospect of having a salary, Bingo happily agrees to meet Purkiss at Charing Cross. Rosie leaves town, trusting Bingo to look after her six Pekes. She gives Bingo ten pounds to pay a bill for a dog harness.
Bingo uses the money to bet on the horse, then meets with Purkiss. A man to whom Bingo owes money walks by, so Bingo flees. The horse loses, Purkiss tells Bingo he will not be hired in a letter (which Bingo tears up), and worst of all, one of Rosie's Pekes is missing. Seeing a butler walking a Peke, Bingo decides to steal the dog to replace the lost one, and follows the pair to a house. He hides until none other than Mr. Purkiss walks outside with the Peke. Bitter about Purkiss's letter, Bingo's ethical qualms about stealing the dog vanish. He sneaks the Peke away using cheese as bait.
Later, Bingo's butler Bagshaw tells him one of the Pekes is out having its portrait painted. Bingo now has one too many dogs, but he cannot remember how to return to Purkiss's house, nor can he remember Purkiss's name, and therefore cannot look up his address. Bingo tries to give the Peke to the Bean, but the dog bites the Bean on his leg. (Bingo has agreed to pay for medical expenses.) Bagshaw helps Bingo remember the name of the grocer who sold Bingo cheese, and Bingo finds Purkiss's house from there. Bingo quietly returns the Peke, but it follows him back home.
Bagshaw informs Bingo that Purkiss paid a visit. Fearing Purkiss knows all, Bingo decides to ask for mercy. He visits Purkiss formally. Purkiss surprisingly confesses to stealing Bingo's dog; Purkiss, who had been looking after his wife's Peke, let the dog outside without a leash, and the dog vanished. Purkiss visited Bingo's house hoping to buy one of Rosie's dogs, but one of the dogs jumped on his leg. It looked just like the one he lost, so he took the dog. Bingo agrees to let Purkiss keep the dog in exchange for becoming editor. Bingo also asks for a small advance to pay Rosie's bill.
"The Editor Regrets" US: Saturday Evening Post, July 1, 1939 UK: Strand, September 1939
Plot Members of the Drones Club try to sell articles to Bingo Little, editor of the children's magazine Wee Tots, but Bingo rejects them. A Crumpet believes that Bingo enjoys rejecting their articles because he is drunk with power, and that this will get Bingo into trouble. The Crumpet remarks that this nearly happened not long ago, and recounts the following story.
Bella Mae Jobson, an American author of children's books, comes to London. Purkiss, Bingo's boss, wants her to contribute to Wee Tots and asks her to see his editor, Bingo. Bingo is not informed about this, and when told by telephone that Jobson has arrived, he feels too important to see someone without an appointment, and refuses to see her. Bingo later tells Purkiss that he sent her away. Purkiss angrily explains Jobson's importance. He then insults and fires Bingo.
Bingo does not look forward to telling this to his wife Rosie, who secured him the job, and goes to a party to distract himself. He meets the beautiful Bella Mae Jobson there. Hoping to ingratiate himself with her to impress Purkiss and get his job back, Bingo treats her to meals and gives her gifts, including a signed photograph of himself. She invites him to a lunch party at her hotel suite. Rosie returns from a trip early, and has been invited to Jobson's lunch party, complicating matters. Bingo has not told Jobson he is married and foresees embarrassment if this is discovered, so he writes a telegram to Jobson saying that he cannot attend. He decides to steal the signed photograph to keep Rosie from seeing it.
After bribing the maid to access Jobson's suite while she is out walking her dog, Bingo takes the photograph, but is met by Purkiss, who also bribes the maid to enter. Purkiss tries to talk to him but Bingo hurries out. Outside, he sees Rosie. She is on her way to comfort Mrs. Purkiss, who lost her dog. Rosie asks Bingo to tell Jobson that she and Mrs. Purkiss cannot make it to the party. Bingo readily consents, and Rosie leaves. Purkiss asks Bingo for help. To curry Jobson's favour, Purkiss took his wife's Pekingese and gave the dog to Jobson, so he does not want his wife to go to the party and see her dog there. He asks Bingo to prevent his wife from coming to the party. Bingo agrees in exchange for being reinstated as editor.
"Sonny Boy" US: Saturday Evening Post, September 2, 1939 UK: Strand, December 1939
Plot Bingo Little treats his baby, Algernon Aubrey Little, to milk at the Drones Club. A Crumpet tells a Bean, Egg and Pieface the following story about Bingo, his wife, the novelist Rosie M. Banks, and their baby.
Like Bingo at the same age, his baby is ugly and resembles a gargoyle. Bingo, an avid gambler always on the lookout for omens, takes this as a sign to bet on a horse named Gargoyle, but the horse loses and Bingo is down ten pounds, leaving him no money for luxuries. To make up the loss, he decides to get money from Oofy Prosser. Oofy is in love, but nonetheless in no mood to lend money. Bingo horns his way into dinner with Oofy and the girl. Oofy resents Bingo's presence and refuses to give him money. Rosie sends Bingo ten pounds to start a bank account for their baby Algy.
Bingo walks Algy in a baby carriage in Wimbledon Common. Bingo's bookmaker, Charlie Pikelet, is also walking an ugly baby with a baby carriage. Each man believes his baby is uglier, and Pikelet proposes a wager. Bingo bets ten pounds that Algy is the ugliest baby in Wimbledon, using Algy's ten pounds in the belief that Algy would not object. Pikelet asks a passing policeman to judge the babies. The policeman says that his own baby at home is even uglier, but declares Arabella the winner. Bingo loses the ten pounds.
Rosie calls Bingo and says she will be returning from her trip with her mother the next day. She asks Bingo to correct the galley proofs for her Christmas story and send them to her publisher. The story, "Tiny Fingers", concerns a hard-hearted godfather who disapproves of his goddaughter marrying a young artist, but is moved when their child sits on his knee and writes them a cheque. Bingo, remembering Oofy Prosser is Algy's godfather, is inspired by the story and goes to Oofy's flat with Algy. Oofy's valet, Corker, tells Bingo that Oofy is asleep after a late night. Bingo leaves Algy there and goes to greet Rosie and her mother at Paddington. Upon returning, Bingo finds Oofy alarmed by the baby. Oofy says that Bingo, by ruining his dinner with the girl, saved him from marriage and babies, and thanks Bingo by giving him fifty pounds.
"Anselm Gets His Chance" UK: Strand, July 1937 US: Saturday Evening Post, July 3, 1937
Plot Mr Mulliner remarks that vicars in rural England always preach the sermons on summer evenings, when the congregation is particularly receptive, preventing their curates from having the opportunity. He tells the following story about his cousin Rupert's younger son, Anselm, curate of the parish of Rising Mattock in Hampshire.